Monday, January 16, 2017

Lost in the Fog

Yes, I named this post after one of my favorite race ponies. No regrets.
I have been debating if I should make this a public post or not, but then I figured, what the hell. If there is someone out there in the same boat as me, at least we can row together. These past few months, I have been stuck somewhere. I am not even sure how to describe this place. It seems a little lonely, a little dark. I can't crawl out. I can't escape the fog.
Still sexy.
My tremors are worse. It makes me feel like my skin is trying to shake loose of my body, and  have no control. I have always had frequent nightmares, but now they are nonstop. But before I can even begin to have the nightmares, I have to fall asleep. I hear so many things now. It use to just be running water or music. Now, I have heard voices, mumbled conversations, trucks starting, doors opening, knocking, wind, creaking, or metal clanging. They don't exist. I'm chasing ghosts.

I usually don't fall asleep until after 2am because of this. When I wake up, I am exhausted. I am sure that spending the extra time and energy pushing through the cold and snow is not helping either, but I have felt this way before then too. And I am sad. And worried. I am not even sure why. If I even start to think about a family member, I jump to the conclusion that something bad is going to happen to them and I start to panic. I huddle up next to my husband every night, afraid that he will disappear in a car crash or some freak accident. I hate it. It is the worst feeling ever.

I had a doctor's appointment last week and briefly brought up some of those issues, plus others ( like my throat deciding to not swallow sometimes, what the heck). She started me on a new prescription to hopefully help with the tremors and the mood issues. So far, it has been the devil. I have to give it a little bit to kick in, but so far, it is just kicking my butt. She jokingly said she would put me on Fluphenazine if I didn't settle down. Or offered to take me out back and to put me out of my misery. All in all, I really like my doctor, and she sat with me for an hour and even asked to see pictures of Bacon.

Hopefully I will be on the right track. I don't know what will happen or where I will be if things don't get better. I feel crazy and even though I have always felt that way sometimes, this is different. I can't laugh this off or sleep it away. I apologize for not warning you ahead of time for this not being a horsey post, but maybe now I might make a little more sense to you. And maybe not, and that's ok too. But, that is where I am at. I am so thankful to have good friends and family behind me, and the most caring and supportive husband ever. And a weird long neck bay mare with a crazy Elvis smile.
A trillion years of support


31 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this. :( It's horrible to feel helpless and crazy - I totally get it. But thankfully it sounds like you've got a great doctor who is caring and supportive, as well as your awesome hubby by your side. Hang in there! <3

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    1. I hate it. I can deal with a lot of different kinds of sick, but this is a weird one that is winning and I don't like it.

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  2. Thinking of you. Glad you have an amazing support system, and hopefully things will get better soon.

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    1. Thank you. I am trying, and hopefully this drug helps. Or does something other than make me feel like I am in an aquarium.

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  3. I'm so sorry things are getting harder. I'm sending you all the good vibes and have my fingers crossed things improve.

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  4. You're in my thoughts girl. So glad you've found a doctor who understands and cares!

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    1. She may wear side pony tails and make Asian jokes about herself, but I trust her more than any other doctor!

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  5. Thoughts and support from a total stranger with my own chronic bag of random neurological symptoms. I'm so glad that you have an awesome doctor! I hope she can help you find something to give you some relief.

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    1. Those damn neuoro things are the worst. I've got all kinds of fun things, but I think neuro stuff beats it all.

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    2. It's a carousel of weirdness! Doctors don't want to touch it because they can't put it in a box and define it. Mostly, it's severe muscle spasms that look like seizures. I've had the voices and sounds on occasion (the muffled radio that sounded like it was from the 1940s really scared me). Too many symptoms and odd occurrences to really list, tbh. The brain does not like being messed with!

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  6. I can't relate to your health issues, but I know exactly what the fog is like. Insomina, extreme worry and automatically thinking the worst are all things I've been battling for the past few years. If you ever want a sympathetic ear, I'm always happy to listen.

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    1. Not going to lie, at first I read that as "synthetic ear" and thought what it would be like to have a bedazzled purple ear. But a sympathetic ear would be a lot more helpful.

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  7. I can't fix you. Or me. But I can come over and lie on the couch and watch Harry Potter on no-judgement-pie-day.

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    1. I can do that. And eat chocolate silk pie please.

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  8. I can't relate on your exact level, but coping with lifelong anxiety and insomnia before finding some relief was mentally draining and physically exhausting. You're in my thoughts. Many hugs <3

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    1. I will take the hugs. Right now I want to tape my eyelids open so I don't have to use energy to keep them open.

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  9. Hoping things get better for you. <3

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    1. Me too. Maybe Bobby can spare some of his crab walking energies and give them to me.

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  10. *hugs*
    So sorry to hear of your struggles. I'm really glad you've a great doc and fab support network (furry and human).
    Sending healing vibes and well wishes (for all the good that they'll do). This blog is your corner of the nternet to write whatever you want to write about be that horses or other topics. Never apologise for being you - we loffs you & wish you good health

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  11. Hugs. So sorry that you're going through this, and I'm happy that you have such a wonderful support network. Sending prayers for you. ♥
    www.baysoverbaes.wordpress.com

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  12. Thinking about you. Wishing comfort, relief, and a peaceful night's sleep your way.

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  13. Wishing you healthier, more rested days and peace filled nights. Praying for recovery. Hugs. ❤

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  14. I am sorry that you are feeling this way, especially since I know no one wants to feel this way. I'm glad you have a very awesome and supportive network of family and friends around you though.

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  15. I'm sorry you're not feeling great. Tons of virtual support here and thinking lots of positive thoughts for you :)

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  16. Sending you all my love <3 Stay strong!!

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  17. I'm so sorry to hear this. Big hugs!! I hope your new prescription helps.

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  18. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm glad you have a support system that's helping you fight - and we all have your back, too. I know it's virtual, but I hope you can count the whole blogging community's support as part of your backup.

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