Lost in the Fog

Yes, I named this post after one of my favorite race ponies. No regrets.

I have been debating if I should make this a public post or not, but then I figured, what the hell. If there is someone out there in the same boat as me, at least we can row together. These past few months, I have been stuck somewhere. I am not even sure how to describe this place. It seems a little lonely, a little dark. I can't crawl out. I can't escape the fog.

Still sexy.

My tremors are worse. It makes me feel like my skin is trying to shake loose of my body, and  have no control. I have always had frequent nightmares, but now they are nonstop. But before I can even begin to have the nightmares, I have to fall asleep. I hear so many things now. It use to just be running water or music. Now, I have heard voices, mumbled conversations, trucks starting, doors opening, knocking, wind, creaking, or metal clanging. They don't exist. I'm chasing ghosts.

I usually don't fall asleep until after 2am because of this. When I wake up, I am exhausted. I am sure that spending the extra time and energy pushing through the cold and snow is not helping either, but I have felt this way before then too. And I am sad. And worried. I am not even sure why. If I even start to think about a family member, I jump to the conclusion that something bad is going to happen to them and I start to panic. I huddle up next to my husband every night, afraid that he will disappear in a car crash or some freak accident. I hate it. It is the worst feeling ever.

I had a doctor's appointment last week and briefly brought up some of those issues, plus others ( like my throat deciding to not swallow sometimes, what the heck). She started me on a new prescription to hopefully help with the tremors and the mood issues. So far, it has been the devil. I have to give it a little bit to kick in, but so far, it is just kicking my butt. She jokingly said she would put me on Fluphenazine if I didn't settle down. Or offered to take me out back and to put me out of my misery. All in all, I really like my doctor, and she sat with me for an hour and even asked to see pictures of Bacon.

Hopefully I will be on the right track. I don't know what will happen or where I will be if things don't get better. I feel crazy and even though I have always felt that way sometimes, this is different. I can't laugh this off or sleep it away. I apologize for not warning you ahead of time for this not being a horsey post, but maybe now I might make a little more sense to you. And maybe not, and that's ok too. But, that is where I am at. I am so thankful to have good friends and family behind me, and the most caring and supportive husband ever. And a weird long neck bay mare with a crazy Elvis smile.

A trillion years of support