I'm Just Sad

The best Grandpa Frank ever.

Sorry for the depressing post coming your way. You have my permission to exit now..

You are seriously still here? Well, alright then. I'll keep going.

I mean, just look at him and my grandma.

I feel like I have been in a whirlpool of sadness the past couple of weeks. I was pretty happy coming from my dressage schooling show, and then that was shut down by life. My only grandpa left has been struggling in and out of the hospital for about a month now and things are not looking the greatest. Nobody can tell us what is wrong with him except that he is losing blood. He is so weak it is hard for him to talk and he had a reaction the second time they tried to give him blood. And because Medicare is not the greatest, they sent him out of the hospital and back into a rehab place because he used up the amount of time he could be in the hospital. Go ahead and ask me how happy I am about this.

So beautiful. I am sorry I can't keep you.

The same day he went back into the hospital I got a claim explanation from my health insurance. It was for my surgery. And had stated that I will be owing more than $22,000 for my surgery. Panic and tears took over and I scrambled to figure out why I owed this much. To my knowledge, I had figured that the surgery was covered. Why? Because I had received a letter of approval for the surgery from my insurance and when the doctor's office called me the day before surgery and I asked about billing, they said that the insurance looked good. I have been talking with the insurance company and they state that their claim is correct because the surgery was not performed in one of their covered hospitals. Even though everything else through this doctor has been covered. My only option is an appeal.

PS browband on a Bobby's bridle.

I already feel pretty useless in general because I cost a lot of money, don't have a job because of my health issues, sometimes can't even do normal house work because I will be sick for the day and I don't bring any money in. The fact that I may cost us over twenty grand is something I am really struggling with. We have been struggling money wise for the last couple of months because husband has been making giant payments on his motorcycle and the horse trailer. Which makes me feel even worse about that purchase of the PS of Sweden bridle. Husband told me to buy it though, so I did. Before I saw our funds, of course.

Will be switching that bit out. The guards are too distracting to the beauty.

I have been trying to sell a couple of breeches and my beautiful western show saddle to help. So far no luck, but I am sure someone will purchase in the future. I have also come to face the fact that I may not get to fulfill my dream for this year because of the cost. The one where I get to compete in my first recognized horse trial. I would feel very selfish to try and do that. Maybe next year. Maybe not at all. Because I never know how sick I might be.

From the photo shoot. I was jealous.

I have a clinic and derby this weekend. Our first run at novice. I already entered it a while ago and husband wants me to do it. I am nervous for it of course and just hope I don't make a fool of myself. It is going to be quite hot for us this weekend and reaching into the 90's. Most days have been in the 70's here so I am really worried about that. I will make my clinician (Jan Byyny) well aware of my health issues and step down if I need to. I just need to be able to recognize that point.

Damn bugs everywhere.

Bacon and Lucy got body work done today by the wonderful Redheadlins' Husband. I feel like a bad horse mom, because Bacon was out and tight and popping everywhere. She has one spot on her neck that is really out. I am ashamed because I couldn't recognize any of it. And Lucy, well, I assumed she would have some things going on. Her hip was way out of wack and he pointed out how weak she is in her hind end and all of the lost muscling. He gave my homework for her. Back and forth over poles for 10 minutes a day and then increasing the pole size. That I can do. But still, I feel horrible. It just pointed out another thing I am not doing well with.

OTTB love.

There are some good things still, though. Like looking forward to the goats. And I have been booked for some art things. I got to do a photo shoot the other day and got paid for it, so that was nice. I was really nervous, but it was pretty fun. I donated a photo shoot and a painting to be done for a fundraiser, so I will be doing those too. I hope I can do some good work for them.

I wish I could be that happy.

I am hoping this weekend gives me a new high to feel alive again. I still have my husband and friends and family and ponies and pups. And my grandpa for now (all the way in Illinois, but still).