Saturday, March 15, 2014

Some Days.

Yeah. These days. Or actually most days. I feel sad, and weak and lost. I don't think I have felt like I have ever fit in anywhere, especially in the horse world.

I always feel like I am struggling. Even if it is just me and my horse. I wish I could remember to just breath and slow it down. I seem to always remember after the fact.

I wish that my Grandpa Bob were still around, as he was my biggest supporter. He never forgot me, cried when I cried, and was elated when I was elated. I wish I had his strength and way of being. Even when he was told he was only to live a couple more days, he still laughed and smiled and pursued.

Why can't I do that?

Everywhere I go, I get laughed at. Whether it be at a pleasure show, a lesson, the racetrack, or with friends. I have always had some fight in me to try and prove everybody wrong. But it seems as though I am losing that fire. I cannot tell if this is a mental thing or a health thing (or both).

If I could be strong, and feel like I fit somewhere, I wonder how much better a person I would be. In biology talk, I am "failing to thrive".

I am lost.


  1. Whoa step back - riding is supposed to be for fun. What do you enjoy doing most with your horses? Figure out what that is, and do that! Who cares what others may think.

  2. I've never seen you as a person that would get laughed at for anything. Who cares if they laugh at you? It just shows they are weak, miserable, and cruel people (trust me on this, I turned into a real asshole when I wasn't happy). You don't need to prove anything to anyone and you don't even need to fit in. Just do what you do, be yourself, and enjoy your riding. You look gorgeous on a horse in the pictures I've seen. You have a natural presence when you're riding and a lot of people are going to be jealous of that. Don't worry about them. Good luck and keep with it :) Eventually people will be trying to fit in with you.