Thursday, September 3, 2015

*Insert Some Kind of Violent Sound Here*

In other words, screw you Lyme disease.
Pretty much my exact face right now.
I met with my doctor today to go over lab results. I don't know why I get a little excited every time I go in because it is always the same. We don't really know what to tell you. We can't help you. Go back to your normal doctor. But, maybe this time would be different, right? Nope.
This could also be my face.
My lab work is weird. Not extraordinary. I came up positive on little things here and there, but not positive enough to warrant whatever treatment would coincide with that particular disease. Half positive for the Sjogren's test. Slightly positive for some red blood cell things. Still slightly positive on Lyme. Barely positive ANA. Close to being positive on other things, but not quite. He told me he didn't know what to do and couldn't treat me, and he was sorry but he couldn't help me.
Or my face when I had to clean this thing.
That was the first time I cried at the doctor's office. It was very embarrassing, and I could feel control of my emotions slipping away as he sounded out the same words I have heard before. He looked pretty sad for me, and he continued to say he wish he knew how he could help me. My primary care doctor told me last time that he was pretty much my last hope. My last hope walked out the door and said that I would be in their system for 3 years, so if I needed to come back, I could. I walked as fast as I could on arthritic legs to my truck and cried some more.
A good representation of me battling Lyme. Pushing back, but flat on my face.
I have been sick every day for over 2 years now. That is not a long time, but it probably will turn into that. Each year it gets a little worse. This year, I've gained pain in my long bones, arthritis pain everywhere, gotten lost in speech and when driving, random vomiting, more migraines and now I stop breathing when I sleep. Will this crap end? Will I return to normal? Will I get worse? Who knows.
Old photo of Blake (angsty teenager) in Slipknot sweatshirt holding a baby chick. 
All I know is that this is not new, and I need to keep on keepin' on. I am allowed to break down every once in a while because it really does suck, but there are worse scenarios out there. Right now, my mom is in the hospital for pretty severe pneumonia. That is causing me a lot of worry, as they transferred her to a hospital in Phoenix from Tucson. Grandma Frank is still battling leukemia. We are still battling bills upon bills. I see my friends arriving at the Aspen Horse Trials and wish I was there too.
Have to stand tall.
But I also did get photos of the dressage ride on Bacon the other day. She was a very very good girl, but damn lazy off of my leg. Still, she gave me some decent work for our short ride and our main focus was just working on a stretchy trot. And some push forward at the walk. She was excellent, even if it did take me 30 minutes to get all of the mud off of her before the ride. She loves being a swamp pony.
Woo Bac-eee. Sexy.
Some canter work.
And hubs and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. I've been with the kid for 10 years now, so one year feels like nothing. I cried because he wanted to take me to dinner and I didn't want to eat food, and I felt like I was ruining the anniversary. We went to "The Village" where there is a grouping of restaurants anyway to walk around. Turns out that all of the restaurants have their menus outside of the building so you could see what food they had. I was able to settle on one that had something I might eat. We tried their truffle fries, and holy crap, so good. He also bought me a 1 hour massage, so I will have to get that bad boy scheduled.
First picture I took of my husband to be's face in 2005.
Oh look, I had blond hair and braces at one point.
So there you have it. Another Lyme disease rant. Another day. Another moment to push forward and keep life interesting.
Life is more interesting when goats have apple horns.
And when stretchy trot is involved.


  1. I really hope that some research comes out with concrete solutions soon - what you're going through is so incredibly debilitating and I don't blame you one bit for crying in the drs office. I cried when they told me I might have to have surgery on my pinky finger, for goodness' sake. I think you have a spectacular attitude about it all.

  2. I am so sorry with what you're having to deal with. I seriously can't imagine. For around 5 years, I struggled to find a diagnosis for my issues (random vomiting, pains, lethargy, headaches, etc etc etc) and I know how much the wondering absolutely sucks. By far, some of the worst years of my life. Finding out what was wrong with me was a thrill, as was getting treatment even though my disease is something I still have off-days with. I am hoping and crossing my fingers for you! You definitely have a wonderful attitude about everything!

  3. You are amazingly strong. I read the pain and you keep going. Please keep up hope and positive thoughts, but do take time to feel bad if you need/want. You have great support in that boy! And the goaties are sooooo cute!

  4. You are amazingly strong. I read the pain and you keep going. Please keep up hope and positive thoughts, but do take time to feel bad if you need/want. You have great support in that boy! And the goaties are sooooo cute!

  5. ugh i'm so sorry :( i can't even imagine what it must feel like to have all these medical professionals just kinda shrug about it. stay strong girl!

  6. Girlfriend that is just an incredible level of SUCK right there. I don't blame you one bit for crying in the doctor's office! You'll be in my prayers - SOMEONE has to be able to help you! <3

  7. I hope things start improving for you soon, being sick every day for two years sounds unbearable. Sending big hugs.

    Have you ventured into the wacky world of alternative therapies yet? I'm not sure if there's anything out there that is helpful for Lyme or not. I was healed (*eye roll I know*) in one session by an osteopath after years of teeth grinding and back pain.

  8. Ugh. How terrible. I'm sorry. :( I'd definitely say to keep looking for doctors or people who can help. You have to be your own advocate and there has got to be more out there...although I know it's really tough to keep knocking on doors and have people tell you they can't do anything for you. Hugs and prayers from a girl in Oregon!

  9. You're so strong! Crossing fingers you find some answers soon

  10. I'm so sorry your going through this, I know how powerless it makes you feel. I had a total meltdown in a doctors office once, which I'm sure didn't help how they viewed me. It wasn't pretty. But hey, I had the right to cry! I had 5 years of the doctor brush off before someone finally figured it out. I remember how amazing it felt to be told what was actually going on, after so long being told basically it was in my head (because young people should never be sick, right?). I'm glad they at least validate you that something is wrong, even if they can't figure out what to do with you. I have a friend with Lyme, I've watched her battle it. She's gone into the "Wacky World of Alternative Medicine", to try and get some relief. She also recently started a steroid treatment for her cortisol levels being about zero (that took a week at a clinic to get figured out). I hope as it is becoming a more and more noted disease the funding for research will follow shortly, along with more acceptance from doctors. I know you'll keep pushing for help, what else can you do, you know? Eventually someone will take the plunge and try to treat you even if they are mostly shooting in the dark. Is traveling to a clinic a option for you? In any case, I'm glad you are able to vent with the blog. It helps. And I'm very glad your husband is so supportive, that makes a world of difference! If you would like to email me, I'm good at listening and I get the chronic pain part, I can also put you in contact with my friend (who has found a few lyme friends herself). I don't know if she can give you any new ideas (besides possibly some alt med stuff), but it's really nice to be able to talk to someone who's been there. I know I couldn't make it as well as I have without the support of other people with Psoriatic Arthritis, even if they are only online. I will keep you in my thoughts!

  11. So I read a dog blog written by a woman who's battling Lyme. She's further down the road than you are, and may be able to give you some ideas, contacts, or support. It's worth a try to reach out to her, I know she does a lot of natural remedies in addition to traditional western medicine.

  12. Happy belated anniversary! Ya'll are so cute together and those goats, man! I love them.