Friday, December 1, 2017

Lost.

I am not even sure where to start. I've been sitting in my own little turmoil type situation lately and I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I will just lay it out on the blog in hopes that will help me feel a little better.
Here are some kittens to make this seem less horrible.
 This morning I came stumbling out of the bedroom, off balance and using the wall to get to the bathroom. This happens every morning. It takes about 10 minutes for my brain to get calculated to upright position. I wake up in pain and go to bed in pain. I blink a lot in hopes that it will get my eyes to refocus. I am nauseous and get anxious about food frequently. More and more hair keeps falling out. And I can't do anything about it until I get insurance at the beginning of the year. But even still, that hasn't helped me in the past. And so, I am worried.
I really wanted to keep her. I called her Pixel. Because she was pixelated.
I am also worried that my friends and family are getting upset with me. I get worse with the colder weather, but this feels slightly different. The pain makes me not want to do anything or go anywhere. I feel like they feel I am ditching them or being a homebody. I don't want to be this way. And I know they don't want to hear about me not feeling well because they don't understand that either. So, I am feeling pretty lonely.

I know that in the next couple of weeks that Bacon will move to the in-laws and I won't have the ability to see her every day and know the ins and outs of her day for at least the next few months. I don't know what her future looks like and that is not the best feeling. Last year at this time, I had just finished my first couple of recognized events and I was planning my season and hoping to get to training level. Right now there is just a giant question mark. If I don't get to compete my girl, I will hopefully be busting out Pandora. But going from a 16.3h thoroughbred that's raging to go through that xc course to a 13.3h stubborn reining trained midget hopefully making it around a tiny course is not something I am doing a happy dance for. And that is if the funds pan out.
Brother on Bacon. Me on the midget.
Because the other big stressor is buying a house. Currently, our selection is small. We did put an offer on a house that had many amazing things (3.55 acres, no wasted space, big barn to park small trailer and big truck and motorcycles in with hay storage on outside and covered stalls in a big dry lot plus an area for the goats, beautiful pasture, 400sqft porch, giant daylight basement, down a private drive in an area that will soon be worth $$$, fully fenced, turkey neighbors, sprinklers, etc). But it had some things going against it too. It was built in the 1920's and needed some things updated, and at the price they had it listed for, we wouldn't have been able to fix those things and make the house payment. They did not like our offer. And so far, we have not liked the other houses we have seen. Hopefully there is something for us out there in our price range. And I really wish people would quit wasting space on giant driveways with trees and big ass yards and stupid layouts.
It had a great view
Well, I feel a little better. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but at least I said it somewhere. I don't know how anything is going to go. What is my health going to do? Will Bacon be on the road to recovery, or has she entered retirement? Will I have fun on Pandora, if I get to compete her? Or just in general? Will we get a new house, the right house? Will I end up unable to do art next year and will that make me feel worthless? Will I be able to get my pet turkey? I guess we will find out.
And the turkeys were so happy to see me when I pulled up.



22 comments:

  1. Sending you internet hugs. If I could bottle up some health and send it your way, I would. Hopefully having insurance next year will help you get some things sorted out. Fingers crossed that Bacon heals up during her vacation in pasture, that you have a blast with Pandora, and that the perfect living situation pops up on your radar. 💜

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  2. I'm sorry you're dealing with so many questions and so few answers right now. Keeping all my crossables crossed that at least some things will sort themselves out soon <3

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  3. I hope that you battle through this last month of 2017 and next year turns out to be your best one yet!

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  4. Sorry to hear all that is weighing on you. But you can let it out here we will listen and hold your hair for you.

    I think Pandora looks fun!!

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  5. *hugs* from a fan of you and the Bacon girl. Fingers crossed she heals up and the world starts to look a little brighter, no matter what happens. I feel like it's rough looking for horse properties in the fall/early winter, too, because at least in my area, people pull them off the market because it's too hard to move in the winter. Hopefully the universe gives you some answers soon.

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  6. oh hun, im sorry youre feeling so poorly. if you want to have internet drinks let me know :P

    and i'm sorry they didnt take the offer on the house, thats irksome to say the least. but it'll all work out!!

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  7. Hey - sending you virtual hugs; I'm so sorry this is life for you right now. Be good to yourself and take care of YOU -regardless what family or friends think.

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  8. This year has been so full of health-related challenges for you. Looking back at all the pictures and stories you've shared, you should be SO PROUD of you and Bacon. You guys did A LOT of stuff this year and you guys did WELL.

    Sending you so many virtual hugs <3 Things will get better - the colder/darker months aren't fun for anyone and with so many extra stressors on top, I can't even imagine. Take it one day at a time and give yourself a little extra care <3

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  9. Ugh. I wish there was something I could do for you. Keep writing. We want to hear it all...even when it's not so good news. I hope you find a doctor who can make a real difference for you this coming year.

    You may not be a praying person but I am, so I'm going to add you to my prayer list tonight. Wishing you all the good things in the new year. Hugs to you!

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  10. Hugs. If you ever need an antisocial (by choice) homebody to vent to you know how to find me.

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  11. Sorry you have so much crap to go through right now, and wish I could make it better.

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  12. Ugh- things sound very difficult for you right now. I can't imagine waiting for the insurance and the toll that is taking. I wish I could find the magical words to give you hope and to feel better. Your friends will not abandon you, even if they do get frustrated.

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  13. So sorry that everything is not going well for you. I hope that things start to look up for you very soon!

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  14. I can relate to the health aspect, although mine isn't pain. But I understand how isolating health issues in general can be. Also had insurance problems earlier this year and at the end of '16 that just royally screwed things up. Hope you can keep chipping away at the iceberg and be kind to yourself one day at a time.

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  15. Well. If you need a no judgement pie night or a fine dinner of jerky and fruit leather, you know who to call.

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  16. I'm so sorry to hear that things are not going well. Take care of yourself the best you can and keep on keepin on. I too made an offer on the perfect acreage this year that was rejected, and I keep telling myself that an even better one will come along. Sending hugs.

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  17. I generally suck at offering words of encouragement, but I can definitely relate. I hope good things start happening for you soon.

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  18. Here's hoping for lots of brighter days - you deserve them!

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  19. I'm sorry to hear you are having so many issues lately :( I hope Bacon recovers quickly and you can get back to better days.

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  20. So many hugs and well wishes over here. I hope things are looking brighter soon!

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  21. ((cyber hugs)) You have many friends & admirers, all hoping for better to come your way.

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  22. I'm so, so sorry. It all sounds really hard. It's not fair that you're dealing with all of this.

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