Lost.

I am not even sure where to start. I've been sitting in my own little turmoil type situation lately and I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I will just lay it out on the blog in hopes that will help me feel a little better.

Here are some kittens to make this seem less horrible.

 This morning I came stumbling out of the bedroom, off balance and using the wall to get to the bathroom. This happens every morning. It takes about 10 minutes for my brain to get calculated to upright position. I wake up in pain and go to bed in pain. I blink a lot in hopes that it will get my eyes to refocus. I am nauseous and get anxious about food frequently. More and more hair keeps falling out. And I can't do anything about it until I get insurance at the beginning of the year. But even still, that hasn't helped me in the past. And so, I am worried.

I really wanted to keep her. I called her Pixel. Because she was pixelated.

I am also worried that my friends and family are getting upset with me. I get worse with the colder weather, but this feels slightly different. The pain makes me not want to do anything or go anywhere. I feel like they feel I am ditching them or being a homebody. I don't want to be this way. And I know they don't want to hear about me not feeling well because they don't understand that either. So, I am feeling pretty lonely.

I know that in the next couple of weeks that Bacon will move to the in-laws and I won't have the ability to see her every day and know the ins and outs of her day for at least the next few months. I don't know what her future looks like and that is not the best feeling. Last year at this time, I had just finished my first couple of recognized events and I was planning my season and hoping to get to training level. Right now there is just a giant question mark. If I don't get to compete my girl, I will hopefully be busting out Pandora. But going from a 16.3h thoroughbred that's raging to go through that xc course to a 13.3h stubborn reining trained midget hopefully making it around a tiny course is not something I am doing a happy dance for. And that is if the funds pan out.

Brother on Bacon. Me on the midget.

Because the other big stressor is buying a house. Currently, our selection is small. We did put an offer on a house that had many amazing things (3.55 acres, no wasted space, big barn to park small trailer and big truck and motorcycles in with hay storage on outside and covered stalls in a big dry lot plus an area for the goats, beautiful pasture, 400sqft porch, giant daylight basement, down a private drive in an area that will soon be worth $$$, fully fenced, turkey neighbors, sprinklers, etc). But it had some things going against it too. It was built in the 1920's and needed some things updated, and at the price they had it listed for, we wouldn't have been able to fix those things and make the house payment. They did not like our offer. And so far, we have not liked the other houses we have seen. Hopefully there is something for us out there in our price range. And I really wish people would quit wasting space on giant driveways with trees and big ass yards and stupid layouts.

It had a great view

Well, I feel a little better. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but at least I said it somewhere. I don't know how anything is going to go. What is my health going to do? Will Bacon be on the road to recovery, or has she entered retirement? Will I have fun on Pandora, if I get to compete her? Or just in general? Will we get a new house, the right house? Will I end up unable to do art next year and will that make me feel worthless? Will I be able to get my pet turkey? I guess we will find out.

And the turkeys were so happy to see me when I pulled up.